WEDNESDAY MORNING EDIT: In retrospect, this was the most fun I had on Tuesday night.
Denis Leary and Lenny Clarke came by the NESN broadcast booth for an inning of tonight’s game. It started out smoothly enough — you know, Clarke talking about sex hernias, that sort of thing. Then, as so often happens in baseball, the conversation turned to race a religion.
Denis Leary: Now, Youkilis, is he a Greek kid?
Jerry Remy: No, I don’t think so.
Don Orsillo: I think he’s Jewish.
JR: He’s Jewish, yeah.
Lenny Clarke: Really?
DL: that’s fantastic. That’s one bottle of whiskey away from being Irish Catholic. They got the Manischewitz, we got the Jamesons. It’s the same guilt, the same bad food. That’s fantastic, we got a Jewish first baseman! I didn’t know that. This is fabulous. …I’m so proud to have a Jewish first baseman. i didn’t even know!
LC: I hope Mel Gibson doesn’t come into this park. We’ll run him out of here on a rail.
Jerry Remy begins hacking; it sounds as if he might be on the verge of losing a lung. Sean Casey hits a ball sharply in between first and second. Youkilis snares the ball from his knees and tosses to Curt Schilling for the out.
DL: Nice! Yeah, where’s Mel Gibson now! Where’s Mel Gibson now, huh? He’s in rehab! he’s in rehab and Youkilis has got first base, alright Mel! (Don Orsillo giggles uncontrollably.) You happy Braveheart, huh? You see that grab, Mel? I hope in rehab they’re showing replays of that. A Jewish first baseman makes the play, Mel Gibson! Good luck when you come out. Call Jeffrey Katzenberg and ask for a job when you get out. We’ll have a whole Jewish infield by the time he gets out. Bring back Sandy Koufax, Mel Gibson, huh? Braveheart, my ass. Thatta boy, Kev.
LC: We should have Sandy Koufax pitch at Mel’s head.
DL: That should be his community service, get in the box against Sandy Koufax. Guess who’s at first base? Kevin Youkilis!
LC: Now what other Jewish players are there, because I’m not aware.
JR: Gabe Kapler, I think.
DL: Gabe Kapler! We got two Jews on this team, Mel! Where’s your father now, huh?
LC: How about that, Mel?
DL: Yeah. It feels good to get that out, didn’t it?
LC: We’ve got quite a team.
LC: Are we in trouble?
DL: No, we’re not in trouble. They don’t have TVs in rehab.
LC: Oh, I don’t care about Mel.
DO: Um, your website‘s here. (Points to computer monitor.)
DL: Oh, wonderful!
DL: That’s learyfirefighters.org, and if you go to the Jeremiah Lucey Fund that will help all the New Orleans firefighters, and if you didn’t know, no firefighters, not a single member of that department quit between the time Katrina hit and right now, a year later, not one member.
LC: That’s right.
DL: Boy, I’m so happy about that Kevin Youkilis thing.
LC: And Kapler! I didn’t even know!
DL: Well you know what’s gonna happen, Gibson’s gonna make amends: ‘Oh, I love the Red Sox! I love the first baseman!’ Oh yeah, sure you do. Sure you do Mel.
LC: If I were Youkilis and Kapler I’d say, well, listen, am I in your next movie?
DL: Can we put some blue paint on our faces? Come on, Braveheart, huh? Look, I don’t know Mel. Why are we jumping all over him, you know what i mean? He had a little bit of tequila. You know those days. You were there.
LC: Now wait a minute, I never got personal. I never went with religion.
DL: No you didn’t. You always went with the face and the ugly and the fat and the nice dress and your girlfiend.
LC: It doesn’t matter what religion, you treat me good I’ll treat you better.
DL: That’s right.
Curt Schilling throws to Youkilis to pick Craig Monroe off of first.
DL: Ahhhh! Mel gibson take a look at that!
LC: Mel Gibson, eat your heart out! Youkilis tosses the ball to a fan in the stands. And look at that! The ball went to a fan! That’s more than Mel Gibson’s ever done!
DO: See you later.
DL: Hope we didn’t get you in trouble.
DO: Thanks a lot, guys.