You got questions? I got schizophrenia. (Talking to myself edition*)

September 1st, 2006 → 1:14 am @

Q: Wow. It’s pretty amazing that the Sox beat the Jays last night, huh?
A: Anything can happen in a single game. What’s kind of amazing is that at the beginning of the year some people (yeah, I’m looking at you, John Shea) picked the Jays to win the East, and lots of people said the Jays would make this a three-division team. And yet after the Sox posted the suckiest record in the history of the world ever for the month of August, they’re still three games ahead of Toronto. Heard any outcry from Toronto fans? Of course you haven’t. And that’s because the Jays used the Sox’s and the Yankees’ money to waste, I mean spend, all that cash on A.J. Burnett.

Q: Huh? Boston and New York gave Toronto money so they could increase their payroll?
A: Yup. Baltimore, too. And Tampa Bay. Actually, scratch that: Tampa Bay got millions more in revenue sharing than they spend on payroll.

Q: I don’t get it.
A: That’s because it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Except to those teams that don’t need to worry about ever trying to, you know, make money. If you want to read more about this inanity, I have some of the weird and wacky details in my book.

Q: Speaking of weird and wacky, I heard David Wells was traded to San Diego for minor league catcher George Kottaras. That sounds Greek. Is he related to Kevin Youkilis?
A: Nope. But some people do refer to Kottaras as “the Jewish god of good plate discipline.”

Q: He’s Jewish?
A: Forget it. It’s late.

Q: If he’s Jewish, is PTBNL some kind of Kabbalistic shorthand? If not, why do some places tell me that’s who the Sox got back in return?
A: He’s not…oh, man. Let’s move on. That stands for “player to be named later.” Except that player has already been named. Except since Kottaras is on the Padres’ 40-man roster, he could be snatched up by another team if the Padres DFA’d him, which they’d need to do to trade him after the deadline.

Q: Huh, that’s weird: when I looked at the Padres’ roster, I had flashbacks to the ghost of Sox seasons past: Bellhorn, Williamson, Walker, Roberts, Embree, Seanez, even Cla Meredith. I thought the Dodgers, with Nomar, D-Lowe, Billy Mueller, and Grady, were supposed to be the NL West team heavy on former Boston folk.
A: Well, it’s the NL West. Take any random 25 guys from any Red Sox team of the past 15 years and you’d have a good shot at winning the division. Hell, the Sox right now would be in first place.

Q: Oh, also, I forgot to ask: what does DFA’d mean?
A: Designated for assignment. Really, don’t worry about it. Baseball is full of weird, arcane rules that oftentimes don’t make a huge amount of sense.

Q: Like revenue sharing?
A: Let’s not get started on that again.

Q: Fine, fine. But this trade means that the front office plans on finding some way to dump Varitek so they can post a lineup next year with Schilling, Manny, Ortiz, and 18 rookies, right? Because I’ve been hearing that the only reason they bothered to win the World Series was so they could lull the fans into complacency before slashing payroll and making off like bandits.
A: Shhhh. No one’s supposed to know about that.

Q: Really?
A: No. But the players really are faking their injuries because they’re mad Theo didn’t land Abreu at the trade deadline.

Q: Don’t you mock me. In his press conference, I heard Theo say that Wells “worked hard to get back this year” and that he “hadn’t gotten all the due he’s deserved.” I always thought he was a fat turd. Was Theo just being politic?
A: Actually, no. For long stretches of the past two seasons — including all of the past month — David Wells has been the best starting pitcher in a Red Sox uniform. Throughout his career, Wells has been semi-overlooked because he’s such a loudmouthed, drunken buffoon. And I’ll miss that loudmouthed, drunken buffoon.

Q: Since the Sox beat Roy Halliday and it sounds like Ortiz might be back on Saturday, is there a chance we can still pull it out this year?
A: Nope. But that doesn’t mean the rest of the games won’t be fun.

(* Despite my love of oblique references, this is not an oblique reference to masturbation. And seriously, what did you expect? I’m half machine. I’m a monster!

Post Categories: Oblique references to Billy Idol songs & Oblique references to Buster Bluth & Q&A